People change.

For better or for worse, that’s entirely up to the type of person you are dealing with. And for me, I’m grateful that it was for the better.

I’ll admit it now that I have a tendency to make assumptions about others too quickly. It’s bad, I know that. And if a recent event has taught me anything is that I need to change this habit of mine.

You see, I had a mini reunion with two people from high school yesterday. And the thing about it was that, ever since I got the invitation for the reunion, to say that I was scared as hell was an understatement.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that these two aren’t friends of mine. We were friends during high school. However, it was because we haven’t seen each other in years, I’m scared of risking the self-esteem that I’ve worked hard to build over the years, crumbled at the reunion.

Truth be told, I felt inferior to them back in high school. These are smart and intelligent women whom I’m friends with, and I felt like a wallpaper existing in the background of this friendship. And because of this, I’m scared of feeling inferior to them again at the reunion.

But you know what? All of those baseless assumptions quickly flew out of the window when I realized that halfway through the reunion that I was actually having fun!

The whole time it felt like we were school girls again, gossiping about all the latest and hottest scoop of the people in our lives, while we carefully ate the Durian Cheese Pizza at Pizza Hut. It felt careless, spontaneous, and we were laughing on cloud nine.

And the best part of it all, I didn’t feel inferior to them, at all!

I don’t know if it’s just me, but there was a moment where I felt there was a silent understanding between the three of us during the reunion, an understanding that we have grown. We are adults now. There was an air of maturity that was felt, inhaled, and exhaled of any preconceived notions that we might have of each other before.

So yes, people change. Sometimes for better, and other times, for worse. However, what you need to realize is that sometimes, you will think that some people need to change in order to fit into your narrative when the truth is, you are the one that needs to change. And I’m grateful that it was me who changed for the better.

 

-3rd Sept 2019-

 

Don’t Forget To Love Yourself.

“There is no simple love stories. If it’s simple, it’s not love. If it’s love, it’ll get complicated.”- The Love Bits

……And usually, the most complicated love story is the one we struggle to give ourselves to.

I don’t want to sound cliche when I say you should learn to love yourself, but, given the fact that we live in a world where the idea of love is sold on whether or not you are in a relationship, it can be very easy to overlook.

Personally, this is something I have struggled for years before I decided to do something about it recently. And right now, I began to see what a little self-loving can do to you to improve your mind, body, and soul. In a few small ways, I began to feel a little bit better about myself.

Like right now, I feel a little lighter than when I felt the weight of the world on my shoulder that I’ve carried unnecessarily for years.

I feel more at ease with myself. And that’s because I learned to forgive myself and not beat myself up over the silliest things.

I feel a little bit more comfortable being in my own skin. I learned to care less about what people say of me, and focus more on treating myself right while loving this version of me right now.

But most importantly, I feel a little more happy with myself. A feeling that was foreign to me before. A feeling that seemed far-fetched for the girl that I was years ago.

I cannot emphasize this enough but please, be patient with yourself. Learn to love yourself a little more each day.

I admit, there are still parts of me that I feel insecure about, but you know I learned from all of these?

I learned that self-love is a lifelong journey. You will experience many changes of yourself for as long as you live. And for every change that comes, you will have to unlearn and relearn on how to love yourself at that point of change.

So please, love yourself right. Do this so that others can learn what self-love is, and learn how to love you the way you’re supposed to be loved. You deserve the love that you gave to everyone that had drained you from it.

A year ago, on this day…

A year ago, on this day, I had conquered the many sleepless nights that were filled with the haunting of uncertainty.

A year ago, on this day, I had finally lit up the dark abyss of nothingness that I was trapped in for years, once thought to be a reflection of my future.

A year ago, on this day, I had finally silenced the voices in my head and those around me, all of which that spoke words of doubts, criticisms, and hate.

A year ago, on this day, my hands had finally felt the physicality of my dream, once thought to be just an illusion of a daydream.

A year ago, on this day, I was victorious in my pursuit to a dream, a goal, that others have doubted and mocked at for years.

And one day, when you read my story, when you hear my name, you will no longer recognize it with failure, hopelessness, and pity.

Why?

Because a year ago, on this day, I have defined it as strength, hope, courage, perseverance, and victory.

18th June 2019

Be Kind To Yourself.

This past week, I haven’t been very kind to myself. 

And the funny thing is that I want to be unkind to myself, if that makes sense to you.

All I’ve been thinking about is how I am too much for some people. How I can be too annoying to some. How I can be too childish for others. How I can be too much of a person basically.

I don’t know why I keep entertaining these thoughts though. Truth be told, I actually quite like myself. It took me a couple of painful years for me to realise my worth and to learn to love all parts of me. Even the ones that might seem too much for others. 

And what’s messed up is that, even though I worked hard to love myself again, I have unknowingly allowed the few people whom I’ve just met and enjoy being around with, to have me doubt my worth again. 

I don’t think they meant it though. Maybe it’s my fault for assuming that being comfortable around them, means I’m allowed to be my complete self. However, I’m giving them the benefit of doubt for now to let them get around the true idea of myself.

Hmm, I guess that’s probably why I want to be unkind to myself. Maybe it’s the hope that they will get used to the idea of me sooner or later, and all things will be forgiven. 

Anyway, my best friend, Nabby, has assured me that I’m still amazing as a person, with or without them. She reminded me that my happiness should never depend on the acceptance of others. 

And she’s right. 

I am happy with myself. Like I’ve said before, I’ve worked hard to love myself. I have learned to love myself long before these people whom I’ve just met, has had the pleasure of meeting the more loving version of me.  

I know myself enough to know that, if I were to meet someone new, it takes time for me to get used to them, since I don’t mingle with a lot of people. However, I also know that if I find myself not being able to accept them for some reason, I will gracefully walk out of that situation.

And I think I will do just that.

We’ll see how it goes from here, yeah?